I wonder if Solomon learned about friendship while seated at the dinner table of his father. One day, there was a new man at the king's table. Solomon was used to royal messengers, ambassadors, and kings and queens visiting Israel to meet his famous father. But this man was crippled from the time he was a child. Yet, he was allowed into the presence of the king, not as a one-time visitor, but as a regular guest at the king's table. He received a regular stipend from the king and came under the care and the protection of David himself. Perhaps Solomon's inquisitive mind began to search out the reasons. The cripple was Mephibosheth. David was showing favor to him in memory of a unique relationship- his friendship with his father, Jonathan.
Years later, when David and Jonathan were dead, David's son would take pen in hand to write about friendship. He remembered his father's stories and read the court records. Solomon's teaching on friendship was not abstract or theoretical, but the words of a man who understood friendship. He saw it in the daily example of his father and the honor he paid to Jonathan's son.
Characteristics of a True Friend
Jonathan and David were fast friends. They loved God and each other. Jonathan was King Saul's son. Jonathan possessed an incredible spirit of unselfishness: Though he was next in line to be king, he gave David his robe, tunic, sword, bow, and belt. Solomon would later write: "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" (11:25). He loved him and was not afraid to be second to David. He rejoiced in the possibility.
Saul began to be jealous of David, both for his ability in war and because he knew God had chosen him to be the next king. Saul was jealous for his own throne, and he wanted to pass it on to his own capable son, but David stood in the way. He was afraid of David, because he knew God's spirit had left him to reside on David. Saul decided to kill David over the objections of his son.
A friend loves at all times; and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)
When David was running from King Saul, in the days between anointing and coronation, he led his men to deliver Keilah from the looting Philistine vandals. Each time Keilah tried to harvest its grain, the Philistines would sweep onto the threshing floors and steal the grain. David's mighty men complained that they were already "afraid in Judah" and running for their lives. Why should they add going to war for the sake of the city to their concerns? David persuaded them and the victory was great.
Then, they heard that Saul and his army were on their way. David inquired of the ephod held by Abiathar: Would Keilah now stand with David against Saul, or would they turn David over to him? The answer was unsettling. Even though David had inflicted heavy losses on the Philistines, Keilah was willing to give David up. David and his 600 men left the city and moved from place to place in the desert until they camped in Horesh. Rumor came that Saul was coming after David to take his life.
David might have gotten discouraged. His men were
afraid. Keilah had betrayed him. The king wanted to kill him. The story,
however, had a different end: "And Saul's son Jonathan 
went to David at Horesh and
helped him find strength in God." What a friend!
Years later, Solomon would list the characteristics of a good friend. He would warn his students against becoming a companion of fools and urge them to seek out the friendship of the righteous. How would they recognize him?
Faithfulness in friendship would be his first requirement. A friend is one who stands committed to the relationship, one who exhibits "faithful love." This kind of love was covenantal- a promise to remain in relationship with the other through good times and bad. "A man of many friends may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (18:24), It is unfailing love that meets the desires of a man's heart (27:10).
Suppose a man is arrested and tried in court. Some friends listen to the evidence that is presented and decide innocence or guilt. Others believe in his innocence even when the evidence seems to go the other way. 'When he is finally exonerated, who is the true friend? "Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find" (20:6)?
When Jonathan talked with David, he reminded him of the promises God had made. He knew that David would be the next king and Jonathan looked forward to serving with and under his friend. His counsel restored David's confidence in God: "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel" (27:9, 17). Solomon knew that words carry incredible power to invigorate the soul. When David faced worse circumstances, wives and children carried off into captivity and his men threatening to kill him (I Sam. 30:6), he had learned the lesson of Jonathan and was able to find strength in God on his own.
Words also have the power to flatter and deceive. "Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet" (29:5). The wounds of a friend, however, can be trusted (27:6). It is a rare thing to find someone who knows the truth about you, is willing to call you to account when you err and loves you anyway. "He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue" (28:23).
If a friend could recognize your sin and confront it, he also knew how to cover over an offense (17:9). He showed love in correction. He showed love in forgiving.
Solomon no doubt heard the stories of his father and knew what a rare gift Jonathan had been. When Jonathan died in battle, David was stricken with grief, yet paid his friend this glowing tribute:
"I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother,
You were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.
How the mighty have fallen!
The weapons of war have perished!" (Il Samuel I :26-27).
Characteristics of a False Friend
Solomon is writing to students who might one day rule, at least in some capacity, themselves. He knows that people of wealth and influence are often targets for the unscrupulous. They attract men and women who want to share in the limelight. Some are looking for a piece of their wealth. Solomon wanted his sons to be wise in the choice of companions, to be careful in the selection of a friend: "A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray" (12:26). Solomon's own son split the kingdom because he did not listen to the advice of his father's counselors but listened instead to his own peers (I Kings 12).
The quickest test of the character of a son or
daughter is the choice of a friend. Parents always want to blame the bad
influence across the street, but Proverbs says the companion of a fool is also
a fool. "Iron sharpens iron" is a truism, but it works either way.
When I lived overseas, I often tutored students in conversational English. The
student would choose a topic and we would discuss it. The student had to
listen, translate, and form English responses. Often, his English would be broken,
and his sentence structure affected my English. One student used 
the phrase "bad benefits,"
and it took me forever to get it out of my vocabulary!
We become like the people we spend time with. "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared" (22:24). Foolishness is a virus easily caught. Find companions who want to follow the Lord- who have the character to become a true friend.
Proverbs often ties money and influence to friendship.
"Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friend deserts him"
(19:4). The fair weather friend disappears when trouble comes, in spite of the
pleading of the poor. "A poor man is shunned by all his relatives- how
much more do his friends avoid him! Though he pursues them with pleading, they
are nowhere to be found" (19:7
The rich, however, have many friends (14:20). People love their gifts and curry favor with a ruler (19:6) to gain influence. Money draws people to you, poverty drives them away. Don't let the influence go to your head. This type of friendship doesn't last. Ask the Prodigal Son!
If God blesses you with a true friend, he has been doubly good. Wisdom reminds us that trust is a basic ingredient in friendship and the tongue can destroy even close friendships (17:9). "A perverse man stirs up dissension and gossip separates close friends" (16:28). Gossip destroys that trust. Humility and forgiveness are the first steps back.
Friendship with Christ
David was a blessed man. Jonathan was unique. He understood his place before God and rejoiced in the promotion of another above him. He gave of himself and risked his own life to be an encouragement to David - to help him see God in the midst of trying circumstances. He was a friend on whom David could safely rest his heart. I suspect Solomon, in all his royal finery, was a little jealous. I am.
I've been blessed with a few true friends. A room-mate from my Freshman year of college, a fellow-teacher overseas, a pastor, my wife. It is a rare person who is constant in friendship, candid in counsel, giving, and forgiving. Yet there is One who anchors my soul more than all the others. I often forget that He desires my friendship. I depend on His. Jesus knows me as I am. He forgives me. He loves me enough to speak the truth to me. And He will never leave me. His friendship is available to you as well.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends..." (John 15:13-14).
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